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Trying get back to normal life

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Goal $1,500

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the flag image of country DeCarvalho

Hi, Im DeCarvalho, 37 yo and i was born and im currently living in Brazil. I dint want to say where i live 'cos some may think, the guy is just trying to scam, but please, take a time to read.It will be a long path to the end of this but lemme try to start, kinda hard when there's many ways to.

When i was younger i was diagnosed with depresion, bipolar disorder, anxiety ocd and adhd and even before being diagnosed things were always hard to me. Like parents saying "its just drama", "he needs more beating to learn to be normal".. anyway ...

I love computers since i can remember, and i got attached to it like twas my escape, my special place where everything could be 'normal'.. I did try going to psycologist and psychiatrist but taking pills didnt help at all.. to be honest, the formal bipolar disorder name didnt help at all, and here we used not call it only manic depressive but we they did add psychosis.. 

Its hard when you're 16yo and having to go thru this..

With time things started to get worse, dunno if twas due my ocd but i started to hating changes, things must follow paths, needs to be this way or it will kill me from inside.. its like im tearing apart.

The worst part of it is that i wasn't able to have a proper relationship, girls dont understand, even when i try my best to explain my problems, even trying harder to not let it mess with the relationship.. but it always happen.

I did try commiting suicide many times, people are harsh, they appear to find funny saying things like "you're weak", "a loser that runs from problems", oh little they know how it helps..

Yes, im still here, 2016 i went to grad for BSCS.. it all came back, i had this time with no crisis, no suicidal thoughts, just the regular me, with anxiety and my bipolar disorder making me be like a jerk when i'm not. This constant change of humor, mostly of people wont understand.

I always used the computer to live my life, making online friends, playing games.

I though that i accepted that i was meant to be alone but the urge for having someone were there.

At the time i started having problems with graduation and my depression started to show up, i wasn't feeling fine. I started to date a girl and she told to understand me. Although being happy with her my problems were there and they started to affect my life.. she never understood my urge for using my computer.. Twas like, I choose my pc over her..

In middle of 2017 to its end i did try commit suicide twice times, before knowing my girl was pregnant i did try 3 times, jan/feb 2018. But then she told me she was pregnant, twas like a dream..

I started streaming games online, Not for the money, i never had any donation, but you know, having people there with me while playing twas amazing, used to make me feel really good.

The fact that she did cheat on me helped my problems to become worse. I wasn't able to study, i wasn't able to work, but i was trying to be strong.. All i wanted was to be on my computer to try improve my development skills and stream for my viewers. I had few ones, and they still being my friends.

My gf by the time almost lost the baby, she had to be hospitalized with 28 weeks till the delivery. Right after the delivery docs had to put my baby girl in a place cuz she was tired, they almost messed with it.. I almost lost my baby..

I didnt have money to pay the bills, bill everywhere and the only option was to sell my computer.. i knew what it would be but i had to pay the bills and take care of my baby.

My gf by was worried about me without computer but there wasn't anything that we could do.

Then the problems started to get worse, i hadn't have my escaping place. Things were hard and we tried to manage the best we could.. she knew having a computer would help but having a 'problematic' baby, not working, depending on parents, the environment wasnt helping me too.

When my baby girl was two months old she almost die and to be able to pay the bills i had to sell the rest of things i had.

We tried to manage to get an used laptop so i could try stalibize myself but the lapotop had many problems and i left it aside.

After many problems i went to my parents house cuz my dad is, how can i say, dying, almost there.. and 3 weeks after leaving my gf and my baby in my mothers in law house my gf told me she didnt want to continue living with me, that she found another one to be with.. kinda hard to write about this part.. but i need to clarify what im going thru, to justify my project.

We live more than 1300km apart (816miles) It made me feel like hell was happening again..

It happened in june, this year. Can imagine having depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, ocd, adhd, having none to talk about your feelings cuz people only knows to tell you "you will find another one", "she doesnt deserve you", "stop being a crying baby", ...?

I did try to kill myself 3x from june to september. My baby girl turned 2 in november, i was able to be there, twas a big fight(argue) with my ex but i went there.. she didnt want me to go, she even told that the best i could do was to go and take the girl to a place where could be only me and my baby enjoing her birthday, how sad eh!? I had an amazing time with my baby girl, but seeing them happy with her new boyfriend, him taking care of my baby girl made me feel so, dont know.. i tried to be strong..

Its being hard for me since i came to my parents house, im living in a small village, its like 2.000 inhabitants. Theres some internet friends that says "call me whenever you need, i'll be here for you no matter what", but in the end, they arent there when i need the most..

And that's why i miss having a good computer.. I can be there doing my things, streaming online and having a chat with people, forgetting about problems..

Today,  december 10th, i came to try again, i got a razor but then i saw my dad.. i was like.. not here, not now.. She did call me saying she is thinking about to move together with her BF. Im trying to handle, but having nothing isnt helping..

I really would like to be able to buy a good computer to go back to my things. It would help me.

Sometimes i share status on 9gag. To try have some conversation or to at least share the burden.

Im not just asking, 'can you help me buy a good computer to play around?", im asking for help, this is the way i know.. People say that i need to find a professional, but i dont want to, i dont feel like doing it, not now.I need to feel a bit better to try. So please, things are very expensive here, thats why the value. Id like be able to buy a computer and come back to streaming and playing to be able to try help myself the way i know.

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