I Want To Seek Professional Assistance For Mental Health

I am 22 and I have been struggling with depression since I was 12. For my whole life, I have never lived in a place that felt safe. I grew up being a fragile person. I would completely shut down or have a panic attack when people yell at me — especially men. My emotions spiralled into a meltdown towards the end of last year. I was being harassed by a friend and the constant state of fear took a huge toll on me. 

I cannot seem to explain why I want to desperately seek help but I think it's because I want to feel normal. I want to know what it is like to feel okay if it makes sense. I never did really quite remember how I started being sad. But I do remember being sad for absolutely no reason frequently. It escalated into me wanting to escape from pain so much I was convinced the only way was to not exist. I'm tired of battling with myself. I'm tired of having to convince myself that I am okay when I don't think I am.Nights are the worst. I barely sleep nowadays and when I do, I'll be shot awake by the sound of my heart beating way too fast. Then it started with single lines at first. The sharp pain sends me into a moment of calmness that is so addictive. To use pain to relieve pain, what a joke I turned out to be. I still have not stop hurting myself. But I want to live, I want to live life and if this mess in my head is treatable with medical help, I desperately want to take it. 

I understand that this is something I have to bear on my own. I have just graduated and would be looking into a taking up a permanent job. I would be really, really thankful for any help I could receive no matter how small it is. This means so much to me. I do feel embarrassed to open up about this, but I am desperate. I just want to be okay again.

Funds would be channeled directly to help me pay for a therapist as well as towards medical prescriptions.